Fuck da children...

No, seriously, fuck the children.

Okay, not really and not in a Michael Jackson (a.k.a "FUBAR") way, but kinda...

But I'm more than a little pissed off by Toyota's decision to pull ads from 'Nip/Tuck' (the greatest show evah! or on now) thanks to the efforts of the retarded PTC, who seem to have nothing better to do with their time than drum up protests from their devotees and trick networks and advertisers into thinking that hundreds of people are outraged at the filth pouring forth from their screen...

When in reality, it's like a half-dozen people sitting around, tracking violence and language and sex on television all day with the kind of obsessive single mindedness of the perverts they decry. No, seriously, there was some case, which I can't remember specifically at the moment, where the network discovered that a hundred 'complaints' they received actually only came from 3 people, writing over and over again.

Okay, it was Fox's crap reality show 'Married by America' - this excellent article points out that Fox got a 1.2 million dollar fine based on 90 complaints. But all but three of those were generated using the exact same form letters from the PTC -- which they put on their website and encourage people to send out, expressing dismay at show's content they may (and likely) have never even seen.

The article mentions the whole Towelgate fiasco -- in our TV class, Marc Cherry basically said it was a similiar situation -- it was days before someone complained, a small minority raised a lot of fuss and made it seem like it was a bigger deal than it was.

Back to 'Nip/Tuck', there are so many reasons why the PTC can go fuck itself and da children:

1)It's on a 10 p.m. at night, on a Tuesday. If your young, impressionable children (as opposed to teens, who the show would be appropriate for if they watched with parents) are up that late on a schoolnight, watching filthy TV behind your back...well, you got bigger fish to fry than trying to shield them from Julian McMahon's ass.

2) It's rated TV-MA. There are content advisory warnings. I know this because F/X airs them approximately every five minutes like a nagging mother -- 'hey, are you sure you wanted to be watching this? Are you sure? Well, it's dirty and potentially offensive and if you're offended. Don't come crying to me because I told you so...' Hey, PTC, if the network tells you point-blank that something may be offensive, what kind of gall does it take to act affronted and shocked when you are offended.

3)It's a dark show intended for adults but has never represented itself as anything else. A cursory glance at any review or interview or article will mention the show's graphic content and dark, satirical tone or describe it as "cutting-edge" or mention the controversy.

4)Millions of taxpayers' time and money were spent installing V-Chips on all our TVs. The show also airs on cable and the majority of boxes have parental lock codes as well. Groups like the PTC demanded these restrictions to protect the children without compromising a network's ability to air whatever content it pleases but have now decided to just try to restrict content since parents are too lazy or stupid to figure out how to work that technology.

Maybe it's the censorship class that I'm in raising all this anger, but I am so fucking tired of everything in our society having to be neuteured based on this stupid myth that children are all goodness and light and they must be protected at all costs (even if that interferes with the rights of society's non-children havers), lest they see a split-second of Kimber's breast and in that moment, instantly lose their innocence.

I must give props to Charles Taylor, writer extraordinaire and husband to my favorite critic, since he says a lot of this better than I could in his article 'The Morality Police'.

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In non-angry rant news, I was dubbed 'socially awkward' last night with the further explanation that 'I talk so much and about myself and never let anyone else talk and no one cares about such & such,' etc, etc. And I thought it hurt hearing that from Adam, but from my best friend? Damn. In my defense, though, it was a very socially awkward situation...which will all be explained later or not, depending on how things turn out with the person (besides me) who made it awkward and confusing.

And look, I know I'm no good at these things. I feel so out-of=place, sometimes. I know I'll never have that easy-breezy-beautiful frat boy confidence that I see on campus. But my brief stint in popularity around freshman/sophomore year couldn't have just been a weird fluke, could it? Okay, yes, because everyone is popular freshman year, but I'm saying I knew how to play the game then or was better at it or something. And maybe dropping of the face of the planet, having a brush with near-madness and living in isolation for a year or two aren't the best things for one's social skills...

It's my sister's birthday and I'll always envy her that she is much better at socializing than I.

Question? What does it mean when you invite a boy up and then he says he doesn't want to kiss you because he thinks he is getting a cold? Oh, we do anyway and it's really nice, and if he actually calls (I know, right?), it just may be worth it. I don't know if I want a relationship or anything, but he seemed like a cool/nice guy -- I mean, we actually managed to have an intelligent conversation. In Akbar, of all places.

Plus, at least I know he's gay unlike awkward-making people. *sigh*

You can fool some of the people all of the time...

But I sure as hell ain't one of them!

I wasn't aware that in addition to being a scientologist and an actor, Tom Cruise was a world class magicia -- sorry, illusionist (thanks, Gob) -- now watch as he makes his own baby disappear!

Wow, this satin-y blouse sure makes Katie look pregnant. And look at that belly button popping out. Must be a baby in there! A baby created by sweaty, heterosexual love-making in the missionary position (no kinky stuff -- Tommy ain't no pervert). How dare you doubt them and their love! Katie's own aunt, who mysteriously we've never heard of before now and who just happened to release a press statement after rumors that the Catholic Mr. Holmes was displeased at Tom for creating a baby out of wedlock and whispers that Tom's publicist/sister issued a letter attempting to silence the family's local parish, this upstanding aunt told us that the baby was created the old-fashioned way and nothing is wrong with Tom's plumbing. Why, yes, she does actually moonlight as his urologist and would be able to verify such information.

Why would you deny the world of the glorious TomKitten?

Maybe because this picture was taken 3 weeks after the above one.

Let's do a side-by-side to make this clearer:


Where did the bump go? Did Katie learn nothing from her high school sex ed class where she had to carry their "baby" (read: sack of flour) with her at all times?

There's absolutely nothing or suspicious at odd about this union or the pregnancy and I have no idea how you could even deduce such a thing. Honestly, doesn't that say more about the state of your sick, sad mind and your inability to believe in love than anything else?

It's almost Shakespearian in its poetry...

So, Calliope and I reunited last Sunday. Sure, she may just be using me for her Buffy fix because I got her completely addicted, but I love her anyway. We venture to Swork because Kay needs our company-slash-is using us to bring her food.

Anyways, it's been like a thousand degrees in LA, so a blended beverage seemed like the frosty, reasonable choice. Kay claims she can do a strawberry shake but that's another one of her lies. Because the gelato was raspberry. Point being, she orders me up a specialty shake. Mitzye and I are counter-bound, waiting for our refreshments.

I notice the boy baristas talking while fixing my shake.

Me: Why are they making fun of my milkshake?
Callipe, with complete deadpan sincerity: Because it brings all the boys to the yard?

I still have no words, people. No words.

Is it live or is it Memorex?

This is terrifying:





Ladies and gentlemen, that's a wax figurine of Miss Simpson. One which is completely indistinguishable from the "starlet" herself. And one that likely contains less plastic. Jessucka was just the cohost of "Live with Regis and Kelly" and the same dead-eyed, Jaws-Wide-Open look never left her face. Even though Kelly Ripa proved herself to be quite a sly, stone-cold bitch by dissing Jessica repeatedly to her face with such a "ha!, we're joking because we're gal pals" layer smeared on top of a "I will cut you" undercurrent. All Jessica could do was laugh, smile, insert a half-thought and continue on without either realizing that she was getting slammed or being too feebile to manage even the slightest banter back.

My point is that it's not just her looks, it's her very personality that makes her so beyond fake. You can gaze and gaze but there's no there there. It's like looking at those burnt-out shadows of where objects should be after a Nuke blast.

Or you could believe your own eyes:




The amazing thing is that "I put the 'ho' back into 'house of wax' " (hi, Paris!) and this jackhole dude have more chemistry than she demonstrates with Nick Lachey these days.



ETA: Hmm, ohnotheydidnt just now wrote about this a day later. But you heard it here first!

And GFYself totally started with the "real or wax jess" a day or two later. TINFOIL HATS!

Well, there goes my non-innocence...

Thanks to StickyKeys, I checked out ohnotheydidn't this very early morning (late night, whatever, semantics) and feel so bummed out:





[image ganked from Getty, obviously]

Hell to the nah.

Let's all be greatful he's still hung like a horse, okay? To think that Owen is the one with the stallion-based nickname. If anyone would like to send evidence, reports, him to my house to confirm this rumor, that'd be great.

Because it helps to focus on a happy place. Other than the fact that I need to gain (yet more) weight so that I can wear that incredible suit. It's so gorgeous that I wouldn't even want him to step out of it -- which may be good, considering the girth Vince is displaying, and not the fun girth either.

In completely unrelated news, I bring you two recent items of note from some celeb boards:

From the BI Thread, from 7/31's NYDN:

Which actor, shooting a film opposite a certain tabloid-fodder actress, is popular on the set, even though he needs a break between each take to accommodate his monster cocaine habit?

We also happened to discuss "coke bloat" on the "Everything You Wanted to Know About" thread. If anyone else has more info or scientific theories, that'd be awesome. For research purposes, of course.

To quote Brittany Murphy: "I've never even seen cocaine."

Dear Hollywood -- Look at how Trendsetting I am!

It's become obvious to me that my friends and I have some brilliant, trend-setting taste -- essentially, we're trendy and rich and famous without having the benefits of money or power or whatnot.

Case in point: The Broadway Bar. It's right by the Orpheum (or is partly inside it?) and is from the creators of the old, reliable Golden Gopher. The interior is gorgeously dark and oak-y, with black-and-gold brocaded wallpaper, an indie-heavy jukebox, et cetera. The first time I went there with Krystal, about three and a half weeks ago, it was notable for two things.

1) A bad, bad bartender lady. How bad? She served Krystal a Salty Dog straight-up in a martini glass. And granted, she did ask Krystal, who wasn't paying attention enough to answer but still. Even worse? She asked a guy what was in an Irish Car Bomb. How incompetent can you be? It's really unfair and troubling because I see people like this gainfully employed in the bartending arena yet I am not. And I would be the best bartender ever -- in part because I'm flirty and partly because I'm a lush.

2) The complete and utter lack of people. Maybe fifteen people in the entire bar, including bartenders. It was a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland, with booze.

The next time? Still barren, only with a cameo from Frodo himself. Good god, Elijah Wood is both extremely short and possibly heterosexual. He was there with a cute-ish girl. Krystal harassed him using the "you look familiar - did we go to school together" bit?

This past Saturday, it was packed. Brim-filled with hot hipsters and tarts. Alas, Krystal was too tired to mingle. I did finally get to see the upstairs, though, and I highly recommend the couch. Balcony is kind of lacking, view-wise, unless a dilapadated board-up building counts as scenic.

Many moons ago, Mitzye and I wished to visit the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel. In part due to the ghosts of Marilyn Monroe and Montgomery Clift -- man, what sad, depressing, drunk/pill-popping ghosts those must be. But now Mitzye can't even get it because there's a list and Lohan is all sunbathing at the pool. Defamer claims that the renovator/promoter lady says that she wants "really great, interesting people"

Umm, hello? We're right here. Sigh. If I am going to be a trend-setter, I want the trappings (money, power, influence, groupies) that come with that. I'm tired of just giving it away for free. So would all restauranteurs, club-owners, hotel moguls and such please be advised that if you want success, you have to court me first.

family guy: back from the dead...like that zombie that's slow moving yet needs a bullet directly to the head

So I'm back in the South for the following festivities:

1) Livia's graduation
2) Mother's Day
3) My sister's Graduation

Three divas, three days of reckoning - err, celebration. No survivors! Except Harlowe/Moran, naturally.

Point being, due to some technical difficulties, I can't watch DH right now from the Tivo. So I'm taking a gander at the Family Guy/American Dad tape I recorded, because I was curious about the resurrected show.

What was I thinking? Okay, yes, maybe my standards were different because I was so depressed I'd watch anything on TV and Adult Swim airs very late, so my brain is usually off at that point. But my affection for FG is gone, baby, gone.

It's one thing to make pop culture references or parody things. It's quite another to rely on nothing else for humor. Plus, the references seem to be so all over the place that the odds are slim-to-none that everyone will "get" the references. While I don't think writers should worry about such things excessively, it seems like FG just makes the joke so that hipsters can pat themselves on the back for saying "oh, I got that!"

Then there are things like the opening Law and Order "parody." Just a complete rip-off of the opening credits of L&O, done exactly the same. That's not clever or satire or parody, that's just copying something and thinking its funny by itself. Oh my god, look, it's just like the L&O credits...isn't that hilarious? Or maybe it's simply just the credits and we're supposed to think it's funny because oh, gee, the FG credits are done like L&O.

My main problem is the non-sequitor cutaways. You know the set-up, someone makes a comment like "this was worse thn so-and-so" and we cutaway to that, with it being weird or unexpected or whatever. But the problem is that when this is done 12 times an episode, the unexpected quality of it disappears and the non-sequitor becomes, well, a sequitor.

FG is now predictable in its unpredictability, which is bad because the show really relies on little else for humor.

Oh, I'll still watch, but the original love has vanished. Plus, the sad thing is that you know that the show isn't going to "improve" or try to come up with new types of jokes because they've been resurrected by a fanatic fanbase. I hate to throw stones at my own young male demographic, but come on guys, it has its moments, but snarking on Affleck or "Good Will Hunting" is about as far from fresh as one gets.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead.

More than just a great Clive Owen film*, people. It's a way of life for me.

Like 7:15 and no sleep. Technically, I got a prescription to prevent this wacky nocturnal sleep cycle. Yet I lied to my doctor and said I was doing better. Another strand in the web of lies. [new Harlowe/Moran slogan, anyone?]

So I'm buzzed and horny and trying not to think about my life. Because when I do, panic ensues.

Assorted thoughts:

1) "Cabaret" needs a new DVD transfer right quick. I'm not one of those freaky high-def/digital film is the future advocates - I love the film medium and its inherent quirks. That said? A bit much with the grain on this disc.

2) After getting frisked and waiting in line for 20 minutes, "Be Cool" disappointed me. The Rock does however have the funniest "monologue" in perhaps the history of cinema. I mean, besides Julia Stiles as Ophelia. Because her dying? HI-larious. Strangely, the two top billed stars (Uma and Jonny T) probably have the least screentime. Christina Milian isn't as bad as most singer/actors. She pretty and has a certain je ne suis screen presence. Maybe she'll be a a real actress one day. Overall, the film is too long and cluttered by half. Yet has bits of magic to redeem it -- double-V as a wigga deluxe, the dance of Thur-volta 2:Electric Bugaloo. Worth a matinee, but not Arclight prices. More at FameTracker.

Note to F. Gary Gray: Uma Thurman is not an unattractive woman. However, she does need to be shot properly to bring out her unique beauty. Please return to music videos until you learn how to film a beautiful woman. Words I never thought I'd type: Uma's fug is like whoa in this film except for two, 3 scenes at most.

3) TiVo is the greatest invention ever, How else would I find this compelling "New York Fashion Week Wrap-Up" show? I can not wait until they show LaLopez premiering her fall line. Yes, mysteriously, a week in January determines the FALL LINE of the year. I don't get it either. My screen now shows a model named "Mini Anden." Which is totally my new ALIAS at hotels.

LISTEN TO THIS: "Vivrant Thing" by QTip, "Erotic City" by Prince. And the Timbalandian (?) goodness of Ludacris and Shawna's "Shake that Shit."

*better than "Closer" - a colder performance, but a better one.