Apr 9, 2006

the thing about rejection is...

You feel like a fucking reject afterwards.

Sigh. Look, I know that certain situations aren't ideal and I shouldn't take it personally. But god/Xenu help me, I do. Completely hypothetically, one of this situations would be, say, posting a Craigslist ad, getting a response and having a guy come over (after a good deal of back and forth-ing via email).

30 minutes later, guy arrives, guy calls, guy is downstairs.

I go downstairs, open the door, the guy says "it's okay' and just fucking walks away.

No explanation, no apology, nothing Not one goddamn thing.

What the hell, dude?

Seriously, I sent a picture, you made the drive -- what did you fucking expect?

Should I not have been wearing sweats? Should my hair be shorter? Should I have come down holding a football and a fucking Maxim to butch it up for you?

Honestly, I don't think beggars can be choosers at 4 in the morning.

And yet, I take it personally. Which says more about my state of mind than anything else. Because god forbid it should be his problem because he's probably a fucking weirdo cokehead or something. Nope, it's *my* fault. If there were a crime scene and I was standing next to the person holding a bloody knife, I'd probably find a way to blame myself for being a bad influence and not preventing the murder.

Any wonder why I want plastic surgery at 25? If it's good enough for Jessica Simpson...

And yes, I may have been told I had "movie star looks" a mere 48 hours earlier. But I didn't believe them -- the rejection, the outright snubbing? That I believe in.

Because the thing is, I never had to rely on my looks growing up. So I don't have the practice for it. Don't have that confidence in my skin. But now? I want to rely on those looks. I'm tired of being funny, being smart, being charming. Being one of the few guys in the bar who could manage a decent conversation, who could banter with the best of them.

Yep, six years in LA and I'm broken & bruised enough to give up and join the beautiful people.

1 comment:

Sticky Keys said...

Well hello Stranger! You need a good girlfriend to smother you in lovely, if I were there you would spit at Brad Pitt cause you couldn't bare to see anything less attractive than yourself!

Craigslist people are crazy, he probably thought you were out of his league and didn't even want to try to live up to your standards.

You render men speechless my dear, that's a great compliment!


I've missed you, I hope you are well!