Feb 28, 2016

tipsy televisualist: Your Oscar/Leap Day 2016 Edition!

How long has it been since I did a tipsy televisualist post?  Hannibal was still on the air & inspiring cocktail creations.  While it will be sorely missed, we should focus on the good things that Saint Chiara, the patron saint of Television (yes, really), brings us.  

Like the Oscars!  Which, for as much as I snark on them, I do actually have a great deal of affection for them and the telecast as it was basically the equivalent of Christmas Eve/Day in my house, with my parents letting me stay up as late and as long as they ran.  Plus? Sometimes deserving stuff actually wins!  Or someone has a cool dress!  Or makes a good speech!  Yes, they're horrible and awful and silly, but once you accept that they can be both silly *AND* sublime, watching can be a great deal more fun.  Why not have a little bit of faith that the Leap Day lining up with the end of the festivities and AMPAS making membership changes might help us make a leap forward in terms of representation in the nominated films?  And, if they don't, we always have snark and a stiff drink to cope. 

So no matter who you're rooting for or how they turn out, you will either need to drink from joy or to drown one's sorrows, so let's break out our best mixologist outfits and hit the red carpet stumbling.  The following cocktails should help you endure however long the telecast runs over and might help make you the host/hostess with the drink mostess of any Oscar Party you're throwing:

What You Need:

  • A Publicist
  • A thoughtful speech that you wrote down and pretend to have forgotten while acting fake humble
  • A Bottle of Gin
  • A Bottle of Grand Marnier
  • A Bottle of Cuervo
  • A Bottle or Two of a dry-ish Prosecco/Cava
  • A Six Pack of Kaliber, by Guinness
  • Sugar Cubes
  • Bitters - Orange, but pick up Angostura while you're at it
  • Fresh Lemons/Limes (or the Real Lemon/Lime Juice bottles)
  • A Cocktail Shaker - the Metrokane Bullet is the one I swear by

The Drink: Kaliber Beer, by Guinness:

inspired by: Brooklyn, Sobriety
the backstory: I know you're thinking "wait a minute, Hunter, the first tipple you're 
recommending is non-alcoholic beer?"  What the heck?  So I've been on new anti-depressants these last few weeks and have been trying to take it kinda easy,  drinking wise.  During this time, I've gotten to know and loathe many a N/A beer.  This?  Is different. Makes you feel like you're actually drinking a real beer.  It has the weight/heft and taste profile of Guinness, not sad malt flavored water.

drink whenever: Brooklyn is mentioned/wins, someone thanks their sponsor/etc., someone mentions on the red carpet that their fur/jewelry is faux, a celeb's substance abuse issues are joked about by a presenter/host/etc.

The Drink: French 75:

the recipe:
  • 1.5 ounces of gin
  • one sugar cube
  • 3/4th ounce (fresh, preferably) lemon juice
  • Put the above into a cocktail shaker with cracked ice, shake vigorously to chill the mixture and to dissolve the sugar cube, pour into a champagne flute and top with the Prosecco/Cava.
mixologist note: While the stars may be sipping Veuve & Cristal, you shouldn't be.  It is foolish to waste a good champagne on a champagne cocktail that is gonna add sugar & gin to the mix.  Stick w/ a moderately priced decently dry bubbly.

drink whenever: a European wins or presents, a non-American name is mispronounced/mangled, the award is given to such an undeserving winner that you wish to throw your hands up and surrender, as the French are wont to do.

The Drink: the Leap Dave Williams:

the recipe:
  • 2 oz. gin
  • 1/2 oz. sweet vermouth
  • 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier
  • 1/4 oz. lemon juice
  • Shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass, along with a citrus twist.
mixologist note: this recipe is adapted from the aforementioned "Perfect Drink for Every Occasion" - which states its origin as the Savoy Hotel in 1928.  I've renamed it in honor of one of 30 Rock's most delightful spoofs.

drink whenever: you escape from Mickey Rourke's sex dungeon, the sight of Julianne Moore or Boston being mentioned (re: Spotlight) triggers terrifying flashbacks to her accent, you find yourself thinking wistfully about Tracy Jordan's EGOT, someone does not employ the correct pronunciation of the word "camera," someone is being played off:

The Drink: Cuervo with No Chaser:

the recipe:
  • duh
drink whenever: #OscarsSoWhite has you so exasperated that you find yourself turning to praying to Queen Bey to give you/us strength so that we can get in formation.

Not a cocktail person?  More of a wine guy?  Well, there's only one to serve.

Find out who your true friends are.


No comments: