fast, cheap and out of control....

Too bad it's already taken, because that would be the perfect title for the Lindsay Lohan story. And I really like her on-screen -- I really do. But she is fucking out of control in a way that makes Neely O'Hara look tame.

We need her former co-star to deliver this speech to her.

It's enough to make me either cry or laugh, so let's laugh while trying to be compassionate to someone with serious issues.

A key part of going through the recovery process successfully is having a good sponsor. Since everyone agrees Lindsay needs better authority figures in her life, let's examine some potential celebrity sponsors:

ROBERT DOWNEY JR:
pros: The popular LiLo analogue online. No stranger to rampant bisexuality/promiscuity - yet currently stable enough for marriage. Can give advice on surviving prison. Secure enough to portray an alkie on-screen recently without being overly tragic about it.

cons: Allegedly a penis-lashed "human piñata" in jail [scroll down], so prison advice might not be too helpful. Had much more critical clout than Lindsay -- actual, not dreamed of, Oscar noms. Had to rely on Mel Gibson's help to get clean. - he's certainly the portrait of sobriety of late.

DREW BARRYMORE:
pros: Former child star who started using and abusing young. Crazy familial background. No stranger to bisexuality, either. Gone from a checkered past to being a true power-player as an actress/producer.

cons: Probably not 1000% sober, given the hanging-out with Courtney Love days. Making crazy decisions on impulse well into adulthood (Tom Green!). Ran too far from bad-galdom into cloying hippy-dippy persona.

CARRIE FISHER:
pros: Knows how to deal with a crazy, attention-grabbing mother. No stranger to turning persona trauma into “art” ala "Confessions of a Broken Heart." Open and honest about ongoing struggle with mental health and need for medication.

cons: On the Lot. Wrote foreword to Courtney Love’s memoir.

COLIN FARRELL:
pros: Already know each other. Massive intake of drugs rivaled, if not exceeded, Lindsay’s - his weekly intake was once "20 E's, four grams of coke, six of speed, half an ounce of hash, three bottles of Jack Daniel's, 12 bottles of red wine, 60 pints - and 40 fags [cigarettes] a day". No stranger to excessive hype exceeding career output. No stranger to same-sex make-outs with maximum tabloid appeal. No stranger to surviving disaster after Alexander and The New World.

cons: Having (allegedly) been inside of her might damage objectivity. Fatherhood was a big factor in getting clean - Nicole is one more pregnant celebutard than we need. His career is…where, exactly?

JAMES FREY:
pros: Lindsay’s a fan of his work. Compulsive liar, just like Lindsay.

cons: Compulsive liar, just like Lindsay. Oprah confrontation unlikely to be restaged with White Oprah.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS:
pros: Crazy family, with a father who also went through recovery. Beat painkiller addiction and serves on the board of CASA, which can use LiLo as a future case study. Or she could simply swap bodies with Lindsay and poof!, she's clean.

cons: Body-swapping technology not yet available in real life. Another annoying celebrity children's book author. Still in some degree of denial herself – or should I say his/herself?

Place your votes (or recommendations!) in the comments. Or tell me how to insert a quiz, people with mad online skillz.

Now a brief message-y moment: Katie Couric semi-defended Lindsay recently, saying, "This young woman's life is on the line. And that's not entertainment." And it's not - the rest of the nonsense, is. The fact that she is self-destructing as fast as she can, isn't. While this blow-out of increasingly insane proprtions is awesome in its splendor - and damn funny in sooo many ways, it's clear that, for Lindsay, this has gone way beyond typical stupid spoiled whore behavior of the Four Bimbos of the Famewhoracalypse. (I just had one margarita! Whatevs! No, look, I eat - see me eating this cheeseburger! Get a good shot, paps!)

Lindsay Morgan/Dee Lohan is a severely damaged young woman who needs help. Lots of it. Or she is going to die. I hope none of us want that.

Because who would keep us amused?