what if they held an academic conference...

And didn't invite me.  More specifically, an academic conference where experts discussed "trainwreck female celebs."  According to CNN's story, topics included "Britney's Tears: The Abject Female Celebrity in Postemotional Society" and "Hooker, Victim and/or Doormat: Lindsay Lohan and the Culture of Celebrity Notoriety."  

Look, I'm fine with not getting invited to the latest club opening.  Or your party.  But this?  So not fair.  Someone as celeb-obsessed as I am, who also has the 4(ish) years of film school-induced "gift" of postmodern deconstruction.  (Though, let's be honest, I've being doing it forever.)  Come on!  I wrote a 10+ page paper parsing the greater meaning of Lohan and arguing for her as a gay icon - and I did it in a hour.  At a bar.  [Hey, know thy subject, right?]    I realize how this highbrow/lowculture thing can be annoying and pretentious.  But sometimes I love turning on that switch.  You should see me at my decidedly non-Oprah-sponsored Book Club.  

What do I have to do to earn me a slot?  Because, look, I will suffer through I Know Who Killed Me once more to analyze how she is a hooker/victim *and* doormat, not to mention the Jungian symbolism of doubling/the "other" and all the blatant Lynch references/rip-offs.

I won't enjoy it, but I will do it </that'swhatshesaid!>

Speaking of Lindsay and the gays - is it wrong that her potential lesbian wedding is the celeb gay wedding I'm most thrilled for?  Look, I know she's young and crazy, but Sam has, by all accounts, been a hugely stabilizing influence for her.  And OMG, formal leggings?  Can you even imagine?  She'll go back into her clotheshorse/fashion plate days and it'll be straight from the SATC:Movie wedding dress montage.  And part of real equality means allowing our bi/lesbian celebutantes can get just as rashly married as the straight ones.

Vote no on the November amendment, duh.  I'm licking my post-Hillary wounds by remembering that Obama = youth voters, youth voters = okay with the gays.  Though the FISA compromise is straight-up bullshit.

Speaking of, Salon had some great articles - Rebecca Traister argued that the PUMAs still have their claws out.  Walter Shapiro says that the kittens will be tamed.    It stands for "party unity my ass," and as Becca says, it sounds like an angry cougar.   Interesting reads and more they're better at talking politics than I could ever be.

you could've prevented this...

As previously mentioned, I could've been the host for American Idol.    Seriously.  I auditioned.

Which means that there's some alternate universe in which Ryan Seacrest is, quite justifiably, not famous and using that fame for pure, unadulterated evil.  Pure unadulterated evil in the form of producing yet another apocalypse-baiting reality show.  

Look, I want to do unspeakable things to Brody Jenner, but emphasis on unspeakable - as in, he shouldn't.  Ever.   The sad thing about this "Who wants to be a hanger-on to a wannabe?" show is that the idea was floated about in a Details article from, like, a year and a half ago.  An article in which Spencer Pratt, unsurprisingly, comes off as the most desperately craven person alive. The sadder thing is that the only thing more boring than Entourage is a "real" version of it, combined with the dating-as-extreme-sport genre MTV does so well.  

Just imagine that alternate universe for a bit: a world without spin-offs of The Hills (which was a spin-off itself, mind you).  Without Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Without Denise Richards: It's Complicated.

True, The Soup might be more boring.  But the world would be a better place.